02 November 2010

CW: bumper stickers.

Originally uploaded by Luna Soledad
Driving about town this past weekend, I was struck with a sudden inspiration for a new blog series: "Crystal's World" (CW)... how things would be in my personal utopia, who would be banished to other planets, how basic manners would be legally upheld, permissive acts that would entitle productive citizens to flog another for outlandish stupidity, acceptable acts of vigilantism, bumpers stickers, and so on.

And the beauty is, you don't have to agree with my opinions and twisted humor because after all, it is MY world. =P

You, if you so desire, can be the center of your own little universe too and even with reckless disregard for everything around you, but do allow me to warn you -- you've got a hell of a lot of competition orbiting out there!

Let's start with something simple: bumper stickers.

My husband is vehemently opposed to car stickers of any kind, while I on the other hand rather enjoy the comical antidote and appreciate self-expression with a few exceptions of course. Okay, here goes...

  1. Absolutely NO freakin' political stickers after election day! I don't care what extremist wing you're on, whether you're still pining away for the fascist psycho who left office two years ago, or if you had Hope in '08 -- scrape the shit off your car and stop telling everyone what an asshole you are; they'll figure that out on their own soon enough without the temptation to key your automobile.
  2. No ignorant hateful racist bullshit. Period.
  3. No Americanized-mock-Euro stickers which have absolutely no rhyme or reason, from BBQ to OBX, for whatever alphabet selection someone has had printed inside a little white oval emulating the European custom of displaying one's country's abbreviation (i.e. D for Deutschland, GB = Great Britain, CZ = Czech Republic, etc.). Unless you're European or wanna-be, scrape that shit off -- nobody knows what the heck PBO, OKI, CLS, QIK, or MHD, means anyway.
  4. No stick-people representations of your family. --No body cares if you're a successful breeder nor how many cats you have.
  5. No artsy-fartsy window monograms. --Ever wonder why that monogrammed sweater phase died out? There is a reason for that.
  6. Little boy peeing on Ford, Chevrolet, etc.: if you're old enough to have a driver's licence you're too old for this dumb shit. Scrape it off.
  7. Flip-flops, bass fish, and deer head stickers: I find them all annoying, but in the spirit of self-expression, I'll let 'em slide.
  8. Memorials: Frankly, I really don't get the new, bizarre tribute to love ones lost by pasting head-stone-like decals of names, dates, epitaphs, and praying hands on your back windshield but hey, whatever helps ease the pain. I'm not dissin' your loss, really I'm not; I just think it's an odd thing to do, but we'll file it under self-expression and let it go. However...
  9. If you're one of those people driving around with a Dale Earnhardt sticker that reads, "God needed a driver... # 3" or some such nonsense and you're not related by blood to the man, scrape that shit off.
  10. Anybody who has a sticker that reads in small print something along the lines of "If you can read this, you're too close," is asking to be tailgated. --Trust me, tapping on your breaks a few times is a much better deterrent.
  11. And I'm all about being passionate about worthy causes, but let's put a limit on the stickers, okay? How about three? No more than three stickers per cause on your vehicle. Examples of overkill: a) the "Jesus man" who lives around the corner with his pickup completely covered in magnetic Biblical verses, religious exclamations such as, "Jesus is God!" (which I find nonsensical and a tad contradictory but whatever), and images of hellfire (great motivational; sign me up!... and by the way I'd just love to know how many times his giant burning-souls magnet has been stolen), and b) the pro-life-mobile I found cruising around my 'hood one day which was basically wall-papered with such over-the-top pro-life propaganda that it not only caused me to stop and stare (partially for fear that the driver could not see thru her windows) but completely betrayed any shred of credibility for her obviously passionate cause... So, remember, from now on, you can only pick three!
  12. Humor, wit, and sarcasm strongly encouraged: bonus points for stickers, vanity plates, etc. that make me laugh. =)

"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm. But the harm does not interest them."

...T.S. Eliot

1 comment:

  1. Great piece Crystal, I had so many times thought of doing a post on T-shirts and bumper stickers but you hit it spot on. Now every time I come across a sticker I think of this piece. For instance this mornings sticker. More Serotonin, less Sarah Palin.
    This guy had just met the 3 sticker minimum on his ride so he skates. However, I would have love to come across the car with the magnetic jesus crap. Oh boy would I have.

    Great post,